Monday, December 31, 2012

Of healing and forgiveness

Recently, I have been challenged by God to let go of things that have held me captive for many years. Things that are contrary to the Spirit and which have held me back from being Christ-like and robbed  me of my spiritual and emotional health. And quite possibly  this has effected my physical health too.

For years I have held resentment towards my ex-husband for the years of abuse in our 25 year marriage. I believe that his abuse and my reaction to it has taken an immense toll on my health, leading me into many of the problems I now am suffering. Medical science seems to back up my theory and I have felt justified in feeling this way.

I also have felt immensely resentful that his partner, who he met just 5 weeks after our separation, came into his life so quickly where as I had to wait 4 long years before meeting my husband Chris. Furthermore, I have been cynical and angry about the way he treated her compassionately during back surgery and family problems but was *never* there for me during all the years of mine.

Suffering from emphysema and putting his house in order, my ex-husband came over to speak to Chris and I at my son-in-law's 30th birthday party. This is something unheard of and I must admit I nearly squeezed Chris's hand off as my ex pulled up a chair beside me.

I had mixed feelings of sadness, regret and relief when he conversed cordially with me, mostly about our children.  If only he could have been like that when we were married!  However, I believe, along with Chris, that he is seeking forgiveness from me and is literally putting things right in these final years of his life.

He has my forgiveness and my pity! But not my love.  Sure, I will probably cry when I attend his funeral for my children's sake. You can't have 4 children to someone and spend a quarter of a century with them and not be affected in some way.  But I could never be married to him again or even see him that often.   I am not that strong.

I know that Christ has done a good work in me that I was able to sit there and talk instead of run at the sound of his voice. But in reality, he can no longer hurt me. The only way he could still hurt me is if I harbour unforgiveness.  I don't.

As I said, God has been speaking to my heart. He has been impressing me that now is the time to let it all go..
I can say that I have forgiven him for sins of the past and though I am not saying that I will ever have a super friendly relationship with my ex, I know that I can at least now meet without the ghosts of marriage and years past looming over me and spoiling  my  todays.

Today, I feel lighter in my spirit and freer! Chris has been telling me over and over words of affection that I have longed to hear. Words of commitment and love that have made my heart glad... He thinks I am a strong woman: I don't know if I am or not...

Letting go of the past is hard to do, but for our sake and the sake of  He Who we love, we should try. I couldn't have done this without the help of the LORD! He is and has been so good to me!  If you have things of the past holding you back, ask God for a spirit that is willing to forgive and let go....


Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, Philippians 3:13

My blog is Morning Cuppas With Glenys


Deborah said...

Such an awesome testimony of forgiveness Glenys! Praise the Lord!

Anthea in UK said...

This is beautiful. I hope that your blog returns, so that we may continue to be uplifted by your words.